Level Descriptions From the Upcoming Katy Perry Video Game
by Hazel Cills
You play pop star Katy Perry embarking on a tropical, candy-coated journey of fun! After waking up in a cloud of cotton candy, Snoop Dog informs you of your mission. You must save a group of California Gurlz who are being held in a blood-soaked chamber at the hands of a torturer named Pyramid Head. In this level you must figure out how to get off the cloud!
After descending from the cloud, you find yourself at Warped Tour. You must make out with hundreds of girls in order to leave the concert venue. Except the girls are, like, really hot and you’re, like, totally straight. The longer you take to kiss each girl, the more confused you’ll feel, therefore depleting your energy supply (which is really just your hair color). Experiment quickly before time runs out or the game extracts $20 from your checking account.
Upon leaving the concert, you find yourself on stage performing for a crowd of children. But among your 6-to-16 year old fanbase, you spot some old dudes who clearly shouldn’t be at the show. Move through the crowd and use your breast cannons to blast explosive-laced peppermint whipped cream on the men. The teen girls will cheer you on as you shower their young, glittery faces with pervy old dude blood. Keep the crowd going or pay $50 to make the crowd louder to beat the level!
After the show, you must fight eighty-eight of Taylor Swift’s back-up dancers before engaging in a sword fight with Swift herself. Be careful; she has chocolate chip cookie-baked shuriken at her disposal and those motherfuckers might be basic as hell but they are SHARP. At the end of this level you also get to fuck John Mayer (if you pay the game $100 and are 18+ but we aren’t really checking, so go at it, you crazy twelve-year-old.)
You are onstage performing at the SuperBowl! But, instead of playing as Katy Perry in this level, you are Katy Perry’s back-up dancer stuck inside of a shark costume. Follow the nonsensical dance instructions on the screen to dance your way through the level. The more mistakes you make in the routine, the more air you lose in your costume. Don’t die on live television, just dance! If you pay the game $200 and your first-born child we’ll ship you a shark action figure you can display at your desk at work to let your co-workers know you are just a cool fun person who is up on Internet jokes.
MARRY RUSSELL BRAND
Actually can you explain this one to us? We still don’t know.
BYE BYE JUICY
After being transported to Ancient Egypt, summon a dark storm to scare Juicy J into writing a new verse for “Dark Horse.” If he mentions again that your heart is on steroids, you get to kill him. Seriously, just no, Juicy J. Just destroy him. What even is this video game? Who will pay for this?
In this level, you must build the most culturally offensive performance you can create. Add on cornrowed wigs, kimonos, bamboo earrings, butt enhancements, feather headdresses, nonsensical Egyptian hieroglyphics, Lolita dresses, real fur accessories, Anti-Semitic nose enhancements, blackface, stripper poles, dead babies, bombs, pictures of JonBenét Ramsey, 50 Shade of Grey pages, transphobic tweets, negative commentary about Kanye West, James Franco, Jonathon Franzen, trigger warnings, undeserved Grammys, dead whales, that Nationwide commercial about the dead kid from the SuperBowl, Emma Sulkowicz’ mattress, Kim Kardashian’s ass, helicopter parents, Iggy Azalea, Azealia Banks, a bouquet of azaleas, male feminists, meninists, MRAS, actual feminists, humanists, atheists, Redditors, a McDonald’s hamburger with a tooth found in it, Tom Petty, Karl Lagerfeld, underage models, Alessandra Stanley, Ebola, the Black Mirror episode where the Prime Minister fucks a pig, anti-vaxxers, and more to your costume! The goal is to get as many think pieces written about you on the Internet as possible, so watch your Take Meter in the corner of the screen until it explodes!!!
Holy shit you finished this game? What the fuck is wrong with you?
Hazel Cills is a writer and witch living in New York City.
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